The Visit

I went to Alpena to see my dad today.  I stopped at the BP Station in Ossineke to purchase my usual offering of chocolate and lottery tickets.  As always, the clerk commented on the number of tickets I was buying....."well, that is going to keep you busy" and I offered back my usual "they are for my dad."  And, as always, I got the little "sure they are" smile as she rung them up.

But, as always, he was very excited when I got there.  And as he does every time he sees me come in the door he said "you didn't get me any tickets did you?"  I reply "yes, of course I did" as I take off my coat.  He tells me if he "hits it big" he will give it all to me.  Then he stands over my shoulder and watches carefully as I dig them out of my purse.  I had them to him along with the chocolate, which this time is two packages of Reese's Cups.  "Boy, I love chocolate" he exclaims as he rips into the package and begins eating them.

He offers me one, as he always does, and I tell him "no thank you."  He looks relieved that I didn't actually take one.  He has set the second one aside "for later" but in his world later means right after you have eaten the first package.

 I gently remind him that lunch is soon, but to no avail.  He continues to eat the next two.  When he is finished he tells me "boy that was good."

Yesterday was his sister Joann's  birthday so I tell him we should call her and let her know we are thinking about her.  He has never liked to talk on the phone so he tells me, "no we better not" and I say yes, we should and that she would love to hear from him.

So he talks with her for about two minutes and hands the phone to me to finish the conversation.  With that task out of the way he notices that it is ten minutes before noon.  One of the aids has come into his room to drop off some laundry and he asks her what time lunch is.  She tells him it is at 12:30 just like it is everyday.  He looks at me and asks me if I mind if he goes and gets ready for lunch.  I think about telling him that lunch isn't for 40 minutes yet but I know that won't make any difference.  So I tell him to go ahead and I will come and sit with him.  He stuffs his lottery tickets in his back pocket and starts out for the dining room.  

I come out a few minutes later and sit next to him at the table.  He is drinking coffee out of the same mug he uses everyday.  He has already added water and put his silver wear in his cup to cool the hot liquid.  He then announces, just like he always does, to everyone who is near, that I am his daughter.  I used to tell him they all know that, but I don't anymore.  There is a new resident at his table who is also there early, and she tells me I look like him.   We smile at each other because I am adopted and we really don't look anything alike.   I am offered a cup of coffee and I accept.  My dad wants to know if I would like to put his silver wear in my cup to cool the coffee off and I tell him I like it hot.  

He asks me why I keep talking his picture.  He doesn't like his picture taken because he is bald.  I laugh because he has been fixated on being bald most of his life.  I tell him that combing all his hair forward doesn't make him look any less bald on top.  He then proceeds to tell  a story that he tells every single time I see him (sometimes more than once) about a little girl who once removed his cap and told him that he was bald.   He told her "it's not whats on your head, but whats in your head that matters."  He is very proud of teaching her such an important life lesson.

Soon they start to bring out the food.  He asks me if I am going to eat.  I tell him that I am not, but he can go ahead.  He then asks me the usual questions, where is Matt?  Where is Luke?  Do I still work at the hospital?  How many days a week do I work?  How many hours?  Does Matt work?  Does Luke work?  I answer them all.  He likes to ask the work questions.  His work was something he was very proud of.  

He then transitions into the story of how he got his job with the school system where he proudly worked for thirty years.

He tells me about the preacher who came to the cement plant where he worked and asked him if he wanted to work for the schools ( I am not sure why a preacher was offering a job at the schools, but he has stuck by this detail faithfully every time he tells the story, so we just go with it).

He says the guy who owned the cement plant was so upset that he took a new job that he threw "bottles and cans through the windows."  I would have liked to have seen that.  Then he tells me if he hadn't worked for the school he would not have gotten a retirement.  I tell him that he has a good retirement and benefits from working so hard all those years.  He shakes his head and says "boy" and then resumes eating his lunch.

They bring out the dessert and give him the biggest piece without him even having to ask.  I finish my coffee as he asked me again about mine, Matt and Luke's work locations and hours.  I tell him again where, when and how long we all work and then tell him I think I will be going.   As always I ask him if he needs anything next time I come.  And as always he tells me just some tickets and candy.  I tell him I won't forget those things.  

Then, as aways as I kiss him good bye he tells me that I am a "sweetie". Some times he tells me I am a "worker worker."  Then he says I am "quite a gal."  I tell him I love him and he says "I sure love you too."  As I am walking aways he says "don't forget to bring me some tickets."  I think about saying "do I ever for get to bring you tickets?"  But instead I say "I won't."  Then he replies, as he always does, "I know you won't because your quite a gal."  

A Part of my Heaven

Not too long ago, my stepdaughter , Matte, asked me a question about Rich.  After I answered her she told me that she had been wanting to ask Luke but was afraid it would make him sad to talk about his dad.  I assured her that she could ask Luke about Rich and that we talked about him frequently.  Although we were still sad that Rich died we also enjoyed telling stories and talking about him.  We still cry now and again, but more and more we find ourselves smiling at the memories.

Rich was very busy in life, and is probably busier in eternal life.  There are many things that are needing his attention and supervision.  He probably chugs his morning coffee just as quickly as he used to so he can get on with his busy day.  He is watching over Luke and his daily activities of course.  There is also a lot of farming and agriculture that needs to be checked on.  And now that Nascar has started, I am sure that demands a lot of his attention.  We take comfort in our imagined scenarios, mostly because we believe that they are true.

After Rich died, Luke would often have dreams about him.  In the dreams he would be talking to Rich about everyday subjects and Luke would feel a great sense of relief.  He would tell Rich that people were saying that he had been killed in a car accident.   Sometimes Rich would just turn and walk away.  Sometimes he would tell Luke that it wasn't a joke and he really had happened.  In one dream they were in the basement and after telling Luke that he had died, he turned and started walking up the basement stairs.  Luke asked him if he could come with him and Rich told him it didn't work that way.  Luke said that some nights it was hard to go to sleep as it was hard to find out again that his dad had died.

They say that time helps to heal and it does.  Luke misses his dad everyday.  But we have gotten to the part where we can remember Rich and enjoy those memories and they are separate from the grief.  This morning Luke told me that he had a dream last night about his dad.  He said they were riding in Rich's Blazer, checking on all the farmers, center pivots and what Lennie Jaworski was up to.  It started to get dark and Rich told Luke he should be heading back to Oscoda soon.  Luke looked at Rich and said that he was living in Oscoda because Rich had died.  And then he asked Rich if he indeed was dead.  Rich told him that yes, he was.  Then Luke asked him "is this Heaven?"  He said Rich looked around at their surroundings and and then looked at him and said "yes, it's a part of my Heaven."  Luke told him that before he left he just wanted to make sure that Rich died quickly in the accident and he didn't suffer.  Rich assured him that he did not suffer.  I believe with all my heart that Rich was once again letting Luke know that he is okay.  And for that I am grateful.

So we continue on toward the one year anniversary of Rich's death.  And I think we will miss him just as much on the tenth Christmas without him as we did on the first one.  And when the tenth, eleventh and twelveth ones get here, we will remember and smile more than we will cry.  And we will wait for and hold on to each message that Rich sends letting Luke know that he is okay and is never too far away.